It’s not manipulative to try to increase your likability. Rather, it’s practical. Everything of value in life requires relationships, and relationships are built on likability.
Our likability tends to stems from being considerate, kind, and empathetic. Those traits are more important than making sure people are impressed by you — which is what preoccupies most of us.
The things you think will impress people will not make them like you. Instead, it’s authentic human connection and consideration that makes you extremely valuable to be around. Here’s how to be better at it.
Stop trying to be liked by everyone.
Let go of the idea that you can contort your personality to ensure complete likability.
Trying to win people over is a game you will always lose. People will dislike you for myriad reasons that have nothing to do with you — and are instead based on their own perceptions, misperceptions, and self-image.
Attempting to adapt to every single person you meet so they like you backfires in numerous ways. First, you’re not being your authentic self, which is the foundation of likability. Second, you have many more relationships to keep up with, which weakens their value. Third, even if you do everything perfectly all of the time, people will probably still judge you for being “too perfect.”
You can’t win, and you’re not supposed to.
Instead of being liked by many, focus on being loved by few. This will, ironically, make you more likable overall.
Focus on influence over impression.
People are not going to like you because they’re impressed by your success or possessions. They’ll like you because you make them feel good: because they have fun with you, they can confide in you, and they like who they are when they are around you.
Focusing on impression often makes the other person feel inferior, which makes you profoundly unlikable. This doesn’t mean you must become self-depreciating, especially if you don’t have anything to be self-deprecating about. It means that you don’t walk into a room, name drop a celeb you went to dinner with, or judge others so as to make them seem beneath you.
Instead of trying to impress people, try to influence them. Spark interesting conversations, ask thoughtful questions about who people are and where they are in life. Strive to inspire people more than convincing them you’re “good enough.”
By being your best self, you will influence people naturally — without having to broadcast the fact that you’re being your best.
Don’t advertise your flaws, but don’t hide them, either.
People don’t like people who talk about their problems non-stop. We don’t want to be around victims.
Of course, this doesn’t mean you can’t speak candidly about your feelings and experiences. But it does mean that if you almost never have anything positive to say about yourself or your life, you might want to explore why.
You don’t need to advertise your flaws as though they make you more relatable — but you don’t need to hide them, either. Instead, learn to tune into the yin-yang of who you are. The more you are willing to acknowledge and accept your strengths and weaknesses, the more likable you will become.
Be open to growth.
One of the most fundamental likability factors is whether or not a person is open to feedback, and ultimately, growth.
It is extremely hard to like a person who cannot admit fault. We don’t want to spend time around people who are unwilling to change when presented with negative feedback from others.
The funny thing is that almost anything is forgivable if someone believes you’re genuinely sorry and truly want to change. Of course, this requires you to prove that you’re changing, and not just sweet talking to get a desired response.
But true openness to growth is extremely appealing.
Whether you’re a boss, a parent, or (especially) a person in a position of any sort of power, your willingness to listen to others’ opinions, to amend your own, and to adapt is nearly essential for being able to relate to people long-term, let alone raise or lead them.
Stop correcting everything.
Narcissists correct others to belittle them, which manipulates others into feeling subservient and loyal. Most of the time, though, people do it and don’t realize they’re being tone deaf.
It’s not that you can’t present accurate knowledge if you have it. It’s that if you find yourself correcting everything a person does, says, or expresses, you’ll find they won’t really talk to you much.
The problem isn’t that you’re sharing correct information — it’s that you’re trying to assert dominance.
Likable people consider everyone around them a teacher, each with a different lesson to offer.
Learn to read the room.
“Reading the room” is about learning to discern boundaries, on a micro and macro level. When you behave inappropriately, you fail to understand the collective boundaries of an event or experience.
However, “reading the room” applies on a small scale, too.
Showing up at someone’s house when they’ve asked you to call them first is a lack of boundaries. Expressing your deepest traumas the first day you meet someone is a lack of boundaries. Texting someone non-stop when they’ve asked you not to during work hours is a lack of boundaries.
In every single one of these cases, you’re unaware of what’s going on around you. You are failing to anticipate the needs of those you’re interacting with.
Instead, imagine the way you’d like to be treated, and then act that way towards others.
Ask more questions than you answer.
Unlikeable people consider themselves a teacher to everyone around them. Likable people consider everyone around them a teacher, each with a different lesson to offer.
When you start to think about what any given person could possibly teach you about life, you learn to fundamentally respect them, their background, their experience, and their presence.
You can express this respect by asking questions. Ask questions about what someone is passionate about right now, what they’re looking forward to, how work is going, or how their home renovation is coming along.
This is far preferable than simply showing up and sharing, unprompted, what you are passionate about, what you are looking forward to, how your work is going, or how your home looks now.
If you ask questions, you will be asked questions in return. But you should always start by putting the spotlight on someone else first.
Let your successes speak for themselves.
There are some people who seem to think that if they do not announce and emphasize all they’ve accomplished in life, it will go unseen.
Believe me, everyone already knows you are successful.
To the people who know and actually care about you, your success is self-evident. It does not bear repeating, it does not warrant deeper justification or explanation.
And those who do not know do not need to know.
Because the truth is that most of your success is subjective. You probably wouldn’t be blown away by hearing about the nuanced hierarchy of a field you know nothing about. You probably wouldn’t care about how much product someone pushed in Q2. You probably wouldn’t care how many followers someone’s niche blog has.
That’s because you don’t need to. You can know that the person is well-established in their industry and doing nicely for themselves — and that’s all you need to know.
When you try to explain why you are successful, you seem less successful. The people who like you enough to get the picture will.
Edna Henderson, former Owner/operator Small Business at Airbnb
written by; Brianna Wiest
